Book of Ethan - Chapter 1 - The Journey Begins

Ethan's story didn't start when he was born, none of our stories do. They start in the hearts of our parents. In the pure elation, panicked excitement and sometimes utter despair when we discover we've created another life.  Our hopes and dreams for our children, our worries and fears, all contribute to shaping our child's life.

Ethan was no different. I was so anxious to be pregnant that I never even waited to miss my period, I was peeing on sticks as early as I could. A few months of disappointment passed and then August long weekend right before our annual trip to Grand Forks I thought maybe before we head out on the road I should check, we were, after all, about to head into a week full of wobbly pops! It turned out to be a very sober and nap filled weekend.

We were so excited. It had happened. Another baby. Ella was going to be an amazing big sister. Her nurturing nature and little heart overflowing with love, this was one lucky little baby.

Not only did I have dreams for my little babe to be but I had great plans for my pregnancy too! I was going to be the "fit mom". That girl who only has a belly. I was going to bounce back so much faster this time. I wasn't going to let those sour keys tempt me. And you know, for a while, that is just how it went.

My 1st trimester was pretty typical, although a bit different from Ella's, I should have know it was a boy! I was super lucky to get an amazing midwife team and even hired a doula (that was another goal, no cesarean), I was nauseous (although not nearly as bad as with Ella) and tired and bloated. God was I bloated! Until I found peppermint tea that is. Do yourself a favour and keep peppermint tea at home, have a cup at night and you'll wake up flat as a pancake!! My skin never freaked out at me and my appetite was totally different. I actually craved salad and veggies. We even took a trip to Palm Springs with friends and enjoyed sunshine, the pool and some shopping.

There were a few hiccups along the way too. My first ultrasound found an ovarian cyst and a subchorionic hemorrhage (which had caused me to bleed at 5 weeks). We also had trouble finding his heartbeat at 12 weeks which kind of terrified me because that had never been an issue with Ella. But overall everything was quite normal and uneventful.

And then the honeymoon stage hit, or what should have been.  If we're going to use marriage analogies here, my 2nd trimester was a horrific divorce...

The NICU Journey - Birth to Month 1

1 month old vs 2 days old

Our sweet boy is 1 month old. All parents can attest to how quickly time goes by and we are no different. Ethan's first month of life has been a whirlwind to say the least. Our hope is that it also marks roughly 1/3 of our NICU journey being over. Typically, babies stay in NICU until their due date (give or take some time).

In the past month Ethan has gone through more than most adults have in their lifetime. He has dealt with the following:

PROCEDURES:

• Exploratory stomach surgery (perforated bowel)
• 29 chest/abdominal x-rays
• 13 IV insertions (head, hand/arm or foot)
• 5 Blood transfusions (packed red blood cells)
• 1 Albumin transfusion (blood plasma)
• 5 Echo cardiograms (ultrasound of the heart)
• 3 Head ultrasounds
• 1 renal ultrasound
• 3 intubations (breathing tube in his mouth for the ventilator)
• 27 days on the ventilator
• So much blood work we can't even count it all

MEDICATIONS:

• 27 days on Morphine (pain and sedation)
• 13 days on Nitric Oxide (aids in oxygen absorption by expanding vessels)
• 9 days on Midazolam (sedative)
• 8 days of Rocuronium (paralytic)
• 3 days of Dopamine  (manages blood pressure post surgery)
• 2 days of Insulin (controls his high sugars)
• 2 rounds of Dexamethasone (steroids to reduce inflammation and help lungs heal)
• 1 1/2 dose of Lasix  (diuretic to help him remove fluid from his body) 
• 1 dose of Atropine (to increase heart rate)
• 1 dose of Succinylcholine (very short term paralytic)
• 2 rounds of multiple antibiotics (post surgery and precautionary)

All of this was experienced by a baby less than 1.5 pounds. A baby born 15 weeks before he was meant to. A baby who has so much drive he fights his ventilator and demands to do it on his own only his lungs are too damaged to allow his body to try and do it himself. This little guy continues to show the doctors he CAN do it, he just needs some time to grow and evolve.

When Ethan was born his first 4 days were great, the honeymoon stage. He was on CPAP to ensure he didn't tire while breathing and doing "better than expected". Then day 5 came around and hit us like a truck.  I had this mom instinct feeling that I should call the hospital (something I hadn't done yet, we had just been popping in) and sure enough when I called they put the doctor on the line and she explained that they were speaking with the team at Children's and would he would need to be transferred there. His belly was a bit distended (which is normal for a baby on CPAP) so they did an xray and saw that there was air outside his bowel. This meant he could have a bowel perforation and would need surgery. The BC Ambulance Infant Transport Team came to transfer Ethan to Children's. Even considering my insider knowledge of their job it was so overwhelming to watch this incredible amount of work being put in just to move my baby to another hospital.

Once at Children's Ethan was quickly settled into his new room and the doctors did their own xrays and scans to verify and decided to bring the OR to his room. Our tiny little baby, barely 1 pound was about to have exploratory surgery. We had no idea just how severe the outcome may be. It could be a tiny hole that needs a simple stitch or it could be necrotizing enterocolitis where the tissues in his bowel are dying requiring part of his bowel to be removed. Steve and I waited very anxiously in the family room for the surgeon to come in and tell us how it went. I cannot express the relief we felt when the surgeon explained it was a very tiny hole surrounded by healthy and well profused tissue.

In the days to come, Ethan's recovery involved antibiotics, morphine, blood and plasma transfusions, and some additional medications. His feeds were stopped while the gut healed. For the most part we have been out of the woods in the stomach department. We had some concerns over his belly being discoloured and he also had quite a large meconium plug which was preventing him from pooping normally.

The majority of his first month has been centered around his lung health. Although at 25 weeks gestation, babies lungs are considered developed they are still very underdeveloped. They are also extremely sensitive to air as they are not yet supposed to be breathing. Ethan has developed quite significant lung disease. The tissues of his lungs are very damaged. He struggles with his upper lobes collapsing and even with ventilation it is a constant struggle to keep them inflated correctly.  January 14th was a rough day, his oxygen saturation were low and he was on maximum ventilation support, this combined with a doctor who only seemed able to express how sick our baby was and not any positivity Steve and I began to fear the worst.

After many days of full paralyzation and heavy sedation to allow the ventilation to work and prevent Ethan from fighting it he began to have a few good days mixed in with the bad. We agreed to start a round of Dex to hopefully reduce the inflammation in his lungs. Unfortunately, the Dex didn't seem to help him much.  He still had quite collapsed lungs so the team decided to try chest physio (normally not done on such small babies) where they use a small rubber tool to "purcuss" his chest. It basically looks like there are doing CPR and pounding on his chest, very aggressive looking but it did an amazing job and after just 1 day of it both his lobes had opened up. They were able to clear a ton of secretions from his chest and he really began to improve.

We enjoyed 5 or so days of big improvements, we even had chats about being able to extubate him and put him back on CPAP. And then another decline came and that is where we are at now. He is on a second round of Dex and there is concern that he has some sort of infection in his lungs. He is on higher oxygen support and back on fairly high ventilator support and he is back on regular doses of his paralytics to tolerate some frequent position moves to clear some secretions. His breathing tube was replaced and it was discovered that it had quite a bit of blockage at the bottom. So this fresh tube, combined with regular chest physio again, revised antibiotics and paralytics we are hoping he will begin to make an upswing and show some improvements.

Month 2 has started on a low note so there can only be room to go up! Here's to hoping Month 2 is full of growth and improvement, maturing organs, less medications and procedures.  Ethan is here for a reason and we are confident he will grow into a strong little boy with a huge drive to succeed and surpass expectations.  Your well wishes, positive vibes, prayers and support are so appreciated and don't go unnoticed.

Ethan's Birth Story

Ethan was born via emergency (and unexpected) c-section on January 3rd. My partial placenta abruption caused 5 weeks of active bleeding and ultimately caused my water to break at 24 weeks and 5 days. I was admitted to RCH and was told I would be there until either baby came or I reached 28 weeks. On January 2nd I started having cramping and was taken from my room in maternity to labour and delivery to be monitored. Ethan's heart rate was elevated at 170 for over an hour on the NST (non stress test), his usual rate was about 140. The cramping ended and I was able to return to my bed for the night.

I had another NST in the morning and they were unhappy with his performance. He was having quite a few decels (decelerations in heart rate). I was sent back to Labour and Delivery and spent 5 hours on the NST. Again, his decels continued and began to become more frequent and extended. The doctor explained it as "imagine you are swimming to the bottom of the pool over and over again, you will get very tired and poorly oxygenated" thats essentially what Ethan was doing. It's likely that because there was very little amniotic fluid left, his cord was being compressed and restricting his oxygen.

It went very quickly from "we may need to deliver" to "let's get to OR". My cesarean with Ella was overwhelming but this one was a whole new level. We had a team of about 20 people in my operating room. From the OBGYN to the Anesthesiologist to the Neonatologist and Pediatrician. Not to mention the nurses, students and other doctors. The team was incredible, particularly the Anesthesiologist who held my hand the whole time until Steve could come in.

Ethan was born breathing on his own and peeing (typical boy) and placed into a plastic bag for warmth. He was taken by the NICU team to his own bed and put on CPAP. Before taking him into the NICU to get settled they brought him to me so I could see and "hold" him. I could hardly tell what he looked like with his CPAP and hat on, but his tiny hand reach up from the bag and he placed it on my mouth as if to say "Hi Mom, I'm here now". I gave his hand a kiss and he was off to the NICU.

My surgery was completed and after my time in recovery (only about 1 hour) they rolled my bed into the very crowded NICU so I could see him before heading back to my room in Maternity. Thus begins our NICU journey...

Week 20

Are you comfy? Sitting? Have a cup of coffee maybe? If not, do that. This might take a while....

What is it with Sundays!? This is the day of the week that we begin another week of pregnancy and for the past few Sundays it's also been a total shit show. Start of week 17  - abdominal pain. Start of week 19 - big blood clot and a hospital visit. Now start of week 20 - more bleeding and another hospital visit.

Week 20 marks the half way point in pregnancy, well the expected half way mark of course. It is generally an exciting time for us momma's because it gives you a real time line. It's the same for me except that it was certainly overshadowed by yet another unexpected hospital visit.

I've actually gotten so accustomed to this bleeding business that I wasn't even going to go to the hospital but my midwife team recommended that we meet at maternity to talk with the OBGYN on call.

Business as usual, blood work and check on baby. Fetal heart rate was good, baby boy was active and seemed happy enough and not in distress. My blood work indicated low hemoglobin (probably not surprising given that I've been bleeding in some regard for 3 weeks) and now I'm taking an iron supplement which is giving me solid heartburn.

My meeting with the OB was great. He is young and modern and super friendly and warm. Dr. Ng, out of Langley if you ever have the pleasure of meeting him under better circumstances. We talked about a lot. What's going on with my placenta, my hemorrhage, his thoughts about the bleeding and about how fluid my birth plan needs to be at this point. I left our meeting with a lot of information but also feeling confident that I was in good hands. I am now in shared care between my midwives and the OB team.

I was dealing well with the continued bleeding (light flow) and managing it best I could and then literally 2 days later I passed an even bigger clot! WTF body, just knock it off already. There were two this time, a smaller one at about 1 inch by 0.5 inch and a second large one at about 4 inch by 1 inch. I had a good amount of bleeding in the hour and a bit after passing the clot. I found all my positivity quickly leaving myself and I was very emotional that evening. I have a strong ability to cope with stressful situations for a long time but at some point I will randomly break down and then restart the positivity shortly after. Perhaps we all need that breakdown moment to let out the emotions that have built up and to be able to forge ahead.

I had expected that all evening and overnight there would be continued bleeding and the morning would include a large amount after pooling all night. To my very pleasant surprise I had very little bleeding. Maybe just maybe, passing that big clot (which the OB saw on screen and blamed for obstructing the view of my placenta) was the last hurray of this bleeding ordeal. Maybe now, it will slow down and even stop!!! MAYBE?! See the positivity is already coming back.

Wednesday was pretty uneventful with the minimal bleeding but then Thursday hit and I had heavier bleeding all morning. Steve and I discussed and decided that we would see how Friday went and we could always touch base with the OB team just in case. Most of Friday was great. Not much for bleeding and had a low key morning. We took Ella to ballet and then dropped her off to my parents for her first ever sleep over! We had the Peach Arch Hospital Christmas party Friday night and while I couldn't really engage in much activity figured it would be nice to get out and get dressed up.

While getting ready for the evening I started to feel some cramping. Nothing major but defintely not typical Braxton Hicks, there was pain associated with it this time. I wondered if maybe it was from standing for a longer period or time. On the way to the party I had more cramping and by the time we were there it had subsided and gone away. Just before dinner I headed for the ladies room to check on my pad (such is my daily life now) and felt a big gush of fluid. I knew this one was bad.

Sure enough when I got to the ladies room and checked out the situation, I had soaked a whole pad in one gush. Not good. Typical standards are "if you soak 1 pad in 1 hour, go to ER". I got cleaned up, changed my pad and had dinner. I mentioned to Steve that we should probably head out soon. That I had heavy bleeding and was best to get checked out.  We ate dinner, stayed a few extra minutes for prizes (which I actually got one, woop woop!) and then said our goodbyes. It's an odd thing to be surrounded by doctors, nurses and other trained hospital staff and to be leaving to go to the hospital for care.

My midwife called to tell maternity that I was coming so they were ready for me when I got there. Let me just tell you, we were the best dressed people in the hospital! One of the nurses who I saw on Sunday for my consult was on shift and recognized me right away. It's nice to have a familiar face but I'd really prefer not to meet these people until April when baby comes!!! Into an exam room we went and I got to meet yet another member of the OB Team. She was also lovely and very helpful and caring. After doing an ultrasound she was concerned that I had possibly prematurely ruptured my membranes (water broke) because it looked as though there wasn't enough amniotic fluid around baby boy. She gave me the option of staying the night for monitoring just in case I began to cramp again or had more bleeding, or I was allowed to leave on a pass to sleep at home and come back in the morning.  Since Ella was with my parents, we chose to stay at home knowing that we could leave instantly if we needed to.

I came back in the morning and was booked in for an ultrasound to check on the fluid levels and hopefully get a read on my placenta. The morning was full of very serious discussions about the implications for baby if my amniotic fluid was too low. Not only are we talking about miscarriage but also about intentional termination. Stressful, extremely stressful. A few hours passed of waiting for my appointment and I finally get my scan. The tech was so lovely, very gentle and kind.

It took FOREVER (only about an 1hr) to get the report back. Then my OB, my midwife and another doctor all come in to talk to me. Fuck. It must be bad news if they are all here. Slowly they take a seat, making a circle of support around me. Oh God, oh God.... And the OB begins... well we got the report back and.... we have good news. OH THANK THE LORD! The radiologist feels that the amniotic fluid levels are in a normal range. Now, the ultrasound tech did comment to me that they looked low, but even if we are toward the low end of normal, its still normal! What a relief!

They also finally got an answer on my placenta. More good news! NO previa! It is currently 3cm away from my cervix and should continue to move up as we go forward. Now there is a good amount of pooled blood and clots sitting right over my cervix. So, I'm going to continue to bleed. I will probably pass clots. It's possible that once those clots pass we could be done with the bleeding. Fingers crossed.

Where do we go from here???

I will be going to the Jim Pattison Out Patient and Surgery Centre for a follow up ultrasound for some expertise scanning. They want to do a few extra checks and these are the best people for that job. I will also be having weekly follow ups with either the OB or the midwife for the next while, at least til Christmas.

Christmas is going to be particularly special this year because Christmas Eve marks the day when baby becomes truly viable and each day after we only increase the odds of a healthy baby.  A very Merry Christmas indeed.

Weeks 14-19

My true intention was to only do trimester updates this time. My assumption was that it was going to be business as usual and wouldn't be too much to write about. Well if you follow my Instagram you will already know that isn't the case.

Weeks 14 - 16 were uneventful. Full of mostly gym visits and running errands, working and generally feeling more like a human. My energy was great, I was really feelin' my bump and doing well with my workouts and my eating habits. Enter week 17.

I woke up in the middle of the night with very strong abdominal pain. It started in my upper right quadrant and radiated across my belly. This wasn't just a normal ligament pain (which I have waaaay more of this time), this was curl up in a ball, harness your yoga breathing and hope its over soon kind of pain. It lasted only a few moments and after rolling to my other side seemed to dissipate. Eventually I fell back asleep (not an easy feat after that) and in the morning began to Google the shit out of my symptom. I settled on it being a gall bladder issue. After Ella was born I was back in the ER with severe abdominal pain which they attributed to gall bladder stuff. Pretty common for pregnancy with all your systems slowing down. It seemed like a logical assumption.

The next day I began spotting. I hadn't had any since 5 weeks so it was certainly tied to the pain the night before. I'll never have a true answer but knowing now that I have a partial separation of my placenta membrane, this pain could have been that separation happening. After speaking with my midwife we decided that since I didn't have any pain or cramping (on going) and I wasn't spotting a lot that it was within a normal range for my stage and decided to watch it.

At my 18 week appointment we discussed all the spotting and the abdominal pain etc. We opted for a cervical exam and they indicated that I have a "friable cervix". Sounds nice right?! Basically it means my cervix is a temperamental bitch and likes to bleed. Again, not unusual for pregnancy but doesn't make it any less annoying.

Enter week 19... this one is a doozy and full of personal health details, consider yourself warned.

Up until this point I'd been struggling to feel the baby move. I felt Ella at 16 weeks so I was super disappointed when that didn't happen again. Also with all the spotting it left me wondering how baby was doing. Sunday morning I finally got some good jabs. Enough to even be visible on my belly. Steve and Ella both got to feel it too. It was such a relief. And the look on Ella's face was the sweetest. I was on cloud 9. Having a good boost of energy I decided to head to the gym.  I had literally just stepped on the treadmill and set my speed for walking when I felt something wrong. This wasn't normal spotting.

I sped over to the ladies room and ended up passing a sizable blood clot along with a decent amount of bright red blood. We're talking bouncy ball size here. Obviously, that workout never happened. I went home and at the advice of my midwife took it easy and watched for any more bleeding and clots. A couple hours later there was more bleeding. This time I wasn't prepared to sit around and wait. My parents came right away to watch Ella and Steve and I were off to the hospital.

Here's what totally sucks. At 19 weeks you have to go through the Emergency Room, at 20 weeks they will send you to maternity. What does that mean for me? Hours of waiting. We were brought in for bloodwork and then sent back to wait some more. Once we made it out of the waiting room and into the next stage I ended having two more episodes of bleeding. Finally we were taken to a private exam room and waited some more to see the doctor.

The ER Doctor was lovely. She was very warm and calm. We did a bedside ultrasound to check on baby and also check for internal bleeding. She did a speculum exam (let me just tell you how not fun that was. There was none of that "gentle pressure" business, it was all "let me get the best look possible". ) In her words, "this is more than just a friable cervix". SUPER! She soaked up a good amount of pooled blood and finished up her business. She concluded that I had a placenta abruption (part of the placenta has separated from the uterine wall and is bleeding). There is literally nothing we can do. She put me on modern day bed rest. No lifting, no sexy time, no exercise. General around the house activities are fine and walking is good. Not awesome news for someone who was super jazzed about having a fit pregnancy.

We were lucky enough to get our detailed ultrasound moved up and Tuesday we went into Medray Coquitlam (fantastic office and I highly recommend them). A typical 20 week scan is about 45mins. Mine took 1.5hrs. Turns out they were having trouble getting a clear read on my placenta. The edges were not clearly visible and therefore they could not confirm the location. What we do know is that it is on the front which is why it took longer to feel baby, we also know that it is low. At a minimum I have a low lying placenta, which really isn't of much concern being that it should have no trouble moving up later on. Worst case scenario I have a complete previa which means my cervix is totally covered. This is less likely to move and would result in a scheduled c-section.

The GOOD NEWS!!!! Our little nugget is healthy and unremarkable, never have I been so happy to have a just average child. Also, this mama gets to go shopping all over again because we are having a little BOY! Ella is really excited to be a big sister to a little brother and we spend a lot of time talking about all the things she can teach him to do.

Week 20 is just around the corner, half way here we come!

Baby Round 2 - First Trimester

Well here we are again. 3.5 years after Ella's birth and we are on the journey all over again. 3 years of me vehemently saying HELL NO to a second baby and then randomly one day I became obsessed with having another. After a week of it not going away I told hubby "so, you'll think I'm crazy but I want to have another baby". He's been hoping this would happen for a good long while so he was on board straight away.

It took us 4 months of trying before we successfully conceived. At the time, for a couple who accidentally got pregnant the first time, this seemed like forever and was getting frustrating but of course looking back now we are very blessed that it was so quick.

It's kind of amazing to me how each pregnancy can be so different but at the same time have a lot of similarities. Blogging was a great outlet for me when I was pregnant with Ella so I plan to do it again but clearly I'm a bit busier this time around. Working 5 days a week, carting Ella to and from pre-school and ballet, trying to fit in time with Hubby and time at the gym, the days just seem to disappear. My plan is to do trimester updates instead. So that brings us to the first trimester!

Our family found out MUCH sooner this time. We were about to leave for a weekend away visiting my father in law and family when I decided maybe I should take a test BEFORE we go on a weekend full of beers and ciders and wine. I was testing pretty early, I think 6 or 7 days before my expected period and couldn't believe that I got such a clear positive result. We hadn't been at they're house more than 10 minutes when I was offered wine and had to decline and me being a terrible liar I shared our exciting news, prefacing it that it was SUPER early.

We slowly told more family and friends as we saw them but held back on doing anything on social media until I figured out work.

My birth experience with Ella wasn't ideal or very positive so this time we have decided to use a midwife and have also hired a doula. If it's going to be my last baby I'm going to do everything I can to have fonder memories of our birth and early days. 

At 5 weeks, I started bleeding. I never experienced any spotting or bleeding with Ella so it freaked me right out. Because it only lasted a few days and wasn't a large amount or coupled with any pain or cramping it was decided it was in the normal range and not to worry.

Around 9 weeks we had our dating ultrasound and our due date was pushed up by 2 days (as I had expected, knowing that I had ovulated sooner than what would have been expected). The results from my dating ultrasound brought yet another new "complication". It was discovered that I had a cyst on my ovary as well as a subchorionic hemorrhage. Don't those just sound like awesome things to have!?!? Thankfully both are considered normal. 

My understanding is that the cyst on my ovary developed from where the egg was released and should have been reabsorbed by my body by my details ultrasound at 20 weeks. The subchorionic hemorrhage is basically a blood blister where the baby implanted. They vary in size and most often cause bleeding.

At 12 weeks our midwife was unable to find the heart rate for the baby. Stressful much?! She seemed very calm about it and said the baby was quite low and probably just tucked in nice and snug and moving too much to get a solid reading. We went in the next week and they got it within seconds.

Overall my first trimester was easier than with Ella but full of more worrisome moments. I wasn't as nauseous and my skin has been much better. I was the napping queen though. If Steve was home I always had an afternoon nap of at least an hour. I also experienced a lot of dizziness and light-headedness. I have naturally low blood pressure and in pregnancy it dips even more. I also had a ton of bloating but thankfully I found that a cup of peppermint tea made a HUGE difference. I'm talking I could have a cup at night, looking like I was 6 months preggo and wake up with no belly. It was amazing and talk about relief, the pressure was so uncomfortable so it was such a welcome surprise.

Onto the honeymoon stage!

Until We Meet Again Radio...

It was 2009, I was working for a big bank and hating my job more and more each day.... Finally I decided I was going to pursue the industry that had interested me since I was a child. Radio Broadcast. As a young child I used to sit in our shed and record radio shows on my Fisher Price recorder. Funny how what we do as children often bring the same joy as adults.

It was a bold move for me (a girl who prefers things predictable) to leave a steady and decent paying industry and job but something in me knew that if I didn't try a new route now, I would regret it later. So I got myself a credit line, I applied for school and off I went.

I attended Columbia Academy for 10 months, 5 nights a week. I would work during the day and then head to school for a few more hours. I sunk my teeth in and absorbed everything I could. I was determined to succeed in this highly competitive sector.

As school was wrapping up I began applying or jobs. My hope was to stay in Vancouver but I wasn't gaining any traction so I applied for a random job in "Western Canada"... Thankfully that ended up being Kamloops. I left everything behind (might have cried a lil in the process of moving) and dove right it. I worked, ALL THE TIME. I worked split shifts and weekends. Took any extra shift they would offer and even managed to get them to put me on TV with our sister station. The plan was always to move back home to Vancouver but I never expected to enjoy my time so much while I was there.

Just shy of 2 years later I was offered an incredible opportunity to move back to Vancouver and work full time at Virgin Radio. I took over a maternity leave contract thinking perhaps I could convince them to keep me after it expired. Unfortunately, just a few weeks after starting it was announced that we were being sold. My contract expired without renewal and I had to scramble to find new work. I sure as hell wasn't going back to banking...

It was back to the basics of networking. Send out demos to every program director I could reach out to in Vancouver. Some of those emails stuck and I was able to meet with a few people. One of those being my current boss. It couldn't have worked out any better. My contract expired and the very next day I started my new job. I was originally hired as fill in, which quickly changed to weekend afternoons.

I've transitioned a lot during my 3 years with JRFM. My first year I worked my butt off. I took any shift I could get and kept really busy, loving every minute. Then SURPRISE!!!! I got pregnant. I took a year off and came back with a whole new set of priorities.

The past year has been a rollercoaster ride. I struggled early on with my return to work. There were a lot of times I felt I no longer fit in. Moments when I wondered if what I was doing was worth it. Being away from home, driving 45 minutes each way. But when it came right down to it, every time I turned on that microphone I still loved it. And that right there is what makes today so tough.

Today I had to face my boss and tell him I am choosing to resign. I am choosing to leave the industry that I love, that brings me pure joy, that I am still determined to succeed in. The job that I take pride in and love to tell people I do. My job is fun, creative, exciting, fast paced and rare. And it is extremely emotional to leave it all behind. At least for now. 

Your life is a very long book with many many chapters. At this moment in time radio just isn't the right fit for me and my family. It's entirely possible I will never come back to radio and that I will open that mic for the very last time on April 17th and it crushes me to think that. And maybe it's that visceral reaction that will end up bringing me back. Tears stream down my face as I write this because it is one thing to leave a job you hate but a whole other to leave one you love, especially when it is full of people you love. Radio peeps are a different breed. We are all a little weird and we all fit together so well. And it's that connection that is so hard to part with.

I'm choosing to call this a hiatus, feeling that deep in my heart I will find my way back to radio later on.

In the meantime, I will be working on my mortgage broker business and I've started a new job as a SEO Project Manager working for a website design company close to home. My social media feeds related to Niki Saunders will be on pause as I settle back in to being just Natalie (and Mama).

So radio world... it's been a slice. I will miss you dearly but I know you are never too far away. It's not goodbye, its see you later.