Book of Ethan - Chapter 1 - The Journey Begins

Ethan's story didn't start when he was born, none of our stories do. They start in the hearts of our parents. In the pure elation, panicked excitement and sometimes utter despair when we discover we've created another life.  Our hopes and dreams for our children, our worries and fears, all contribute to shaping our child's life.

Ethan was no different. I was so anxious to be pregnant that I never even waited to miss my period, I was peeing on sticks as early as I could. A few months of disappointment passed and then August long weekend right before our annual trip to Grand Forks I thought maybe before we head out on the road I should check, we were, after all, about to head into a week full of wobbly pops! It turned out to be a very sober and nap filled weekend.

We were so excited. It had happened. Another baby. Ella was going to be an amazing big sister. Her nurturing nature and little heart overflowing with love, this was one lucky little baby.

Not only did I have dreams for my little babe to be but I had great plans for my pregnancy too! I was going to be the "fit mom". That girl who only has a belly. I was going to bounce back so much faster this time. I wasn't going to let those sour keys tempt me. And you know, for a while, that is just how it went.

My 1st trimester was pretty typical, although a bit different from Ella's, I should have know it was a boy! I was super lucky to get an amazing midwife team and even hired a doula (that was another goal, no cesarean), I was nauseous (although not nearly as bad as with Ella) and tired and bloated. God was I bloated! Until I found peppermint tea that is. Do yourself a favour and keep peppermint tea at home, have a cup at night and you'll wake up flat as a pancake!! My skin never freaked out at me and my appetite was totally different. I actually craved salad and veggies. We even took a trip to Palm Springs with friends and enjoyed sunshine, the pool and some shopping.

There were a few hiccups along the way too. My first ultrasound found an ovarian cyst and a subchorionic hemorrhage (which had caused me to bleed at 5 weeks). We also had trouble finding his heartbeat at 12 weeks which kind of terrified me because that had never been an issue with Ella. But overall everything was quite normal and uneventful.

And then the honeymoon stage hit, or what should have been.  If we're going to use marriage analogies here, my 2nd trimester was a horrific divorce...

The NICU Journey - Birth to Month 1

1 month old vs 2 days old

Our sweet boy is 1 month old. All parents can attest to how quickly time goes by and we are no different. Ethan's first month of life has been a whirlwind to say the least. Our hope is that it also marks roughly 1/3 of our NICU journey being over. Typically, babies stay in NICU until their due date (give or take some time).

In the past month Ethan has gone through more than most adults have in their lifetime. He has dealt with the following:

PROCEDURES:

• Exploratory stomach surgery (perforated bowel)
• 29 chest/abdominal x-rays
• 13 IV insertions (head, hand/arm or foot)
• 5 Blood transfusions (packed red blood cells)
• 1 Albumin transfusion (blood plasma)
• 5 Echo cardiograms (ultrasound of the heart)
• 3 Head ultrasounds
• 1 renal ultrasound
• 3 intubations (breathing tube in his mouth for the ventilator)
• 27 days on the ventilator
• So much blood work we can't even count it all

MEDICATIONS:

• 27 days on Morphine (pain and sedation)
• 13 days on Nitric Oxide (aids in oxygen absorption by expanding vessels)
• 9 days on Midazolam (sedative)
• 8 days of Rocuronium (paralytic)
• 3 days of Dopamine  (manages blood pressure post surgery)
• 2 days of Insulin (controls his high sugars)
• 2 rounds of Dexamethasone (steroids to reduce inflammation and help lungs heal)
• 1 1/2 dose of Lasix  (diuretic to help him remove fluid from his body) 
• 1 dose of Atropine (to increase heart rate)
• 1 dose of Succinylcholine (very short term paralytic)
• 2 rounds of multiple antibiotics (post surgery and precautionary)

All of this was experienced by a baby less than 1.5 pounds. A baby born 15 weeks before he was meant to. A baby who has so much drive he fights his ventilator and demands to do it on his own only his lungs are too damaged to allow his body to try and do it himself. This little guy continues to show the doctors he CAN do it, he just needs some time to grow and evolve.

When Ethan was born his first 4 days were great, the honeymoon stage. He was on CPAP to ensure he didn't tire while breathing and doing "better than expected". Then day 5 came around and hit us like a truck.  I had this mom instinct feeling that I should call the hospital (something I hadn't done yet, we had just been popping in) and sure enough when I called they put the doctor on the line and she explained that they were speaking with the team at Children's and would he would need to be transferred there. His belly was a bit distended (which is normal for a baby on CPAP) so they did an xray and saw that there was air outside his bowel. This meant he could have a bowel perforation and would need surgery. The BC Ambulance Infant Transport Team came to transfer Ethan to Children's. Even considering my insider knowledge of their job it was so overwhelming to watch this incredible amount of work being put in just to move my baby to another hospital.

Once at Children's Ethan was quickly settled into his new room and the doctors did their own xrays and scans to verify and decided to bring the OR to his room. Our tiny little baby, barely 1 pound was about to have exploratory surgery. We had no idea just how severe the outcome may be. It could be a tiny hole that needs a simple stitch or it could be necrotizing enterocolitis where the tissues in his bowel are dying requiring part of his bowel to be removed. Steve and I waited very anxiously in the family room for the surgeon to come in and tell us how it went. I cannot express the relief we felt when the surgeon explained it was a very tiny hole surrounded by healthy and well profused tissue.

In the days to come, Ethan's recovery involved antibiotics, morphine, blood and plasma transfusions, and some additional medications. His feeds were stopped while the gut healed. For the most part we have been out of the woods in the stomach department. We had some concerns over his belly being discoloured and he also had quite a large meconium plug which was preventing him from pooping normally.

The majority of his first month has been centered around his lung health. Although at 25 weeks gestation, babies lungs are considered developed they are still very underdeveloped. They are also extremely sensitive to air as they are not yet supposed to be breathing. Ethan has developed quite significant lung disease. The tissues of his lungs are very damaged. He struggles with his upper lobes collapsing and even with ventilation it is a constant struggle to keep them inflated correctly.  January 14th was a rough day, his oxygen saturation were low and he was on maximum ventilation support, this combined with a doctor who only seemed able to express how sick our baby was and not any positivity Steve and I began to fear the worst.

After many days of full paralyzation and heavy sedation to allow the ventilation to work and prevent Ethan from fighting it he began to have a few good days mixed in with the bad. We agreed to start a round of Dex to hopefully reduce the inflammation in his lungs. Unfortunately, the Dex didn't seem to help him much.  He still had quite collapsed lungs so the team decided to try chest physio (normally not done on such small babies) where they use a small rubber tool to "purcuss" his chest. It basically looks like there are doing CPR and pounding on his chest, very aggressive looking but it did an amazing job and after just 1 day of it both his lobes had opened up. They were able to clear a ton of secretions from his chest and he really began to improve.

We enjoyed 5 or so days of big improvements, we even had chats about being able to extubate him and put him back on CPAP. And then another decline came and that is where we are at now. He is on a second round of Dex and there is concern that he has some sort of infection in his lungs. He is on higher oxygen support and back on fairly high ventilator support and he is back on regular doses of his paralytics to tolerate some frequent position moves to clear some secretions. His breathing tube was replaced and it was discovered that it had quite a bit of blockage at the bottom. So this fresh tube, combined with regular chest physio again, revised antibiotics and paralytics we are hoping he will begin to make an upswing and show some improvements.

Month 2 has started on a low note so there can only be room to go up! Here's to hoping Month 2 is full of growth and improvement, maturing organs, less medications and procedures.  Ethan is here for a reason and we are confident he will grow into a strong little boy with a huge drive to succeed and surpass expectations.  Your well wishes, positive vibes, prayers and support are so appreciated and don't go unnoticed.

Ethan's Birth Story

Ethan was born via emergency (and unexpected) c-section on January 3rd. My partial placenta abruption caused 5 weeks of active bleeding and ultimately caused my water to break at 24 weeks and 5 days. I was admitted to RCH and was told I would be there until either baby came or I reached 28 weeks. On January 2nd I started having cramping and was taken from my room in maternity to labour and delivery to be monitored. Ethan's heart rate was elevated at 170 for over an hour on the NST (non stress test), his usual rate was about 140. The cramping ended and I was able to return to my bed for the night.

I had another NST in the morning and they were unhappy with his performance. He was having quite a few decels (decelerations in heart rate). I was sent back to Labour and Delivery and spent 5 hours on the NST. Again, his decels continued and began to become more frequent and extended. The doctor explained it as "imagine you are swimming to the bottom of the pool over and over again, you will get very tired and poorly oxygenated" thats essentially what Ethan was doing. It's likely that because there was very little amniotic fluid left, his cord was being compressed and restricting his oxygen.

It went very quickly from "we may need to deliver" to "let's get to OR". My cesarean with Ella was overwhelming but this one was a whole new level. We had a team of about 20 people in my operating room. From the OBGYN to the Anesthesiologist to the Neonatologist and Pediatrician. Not to mention the nurses, students and other doctors. The team was incredible, particularly the Anesthesiologist who held my hand the whole time until Steve could come in.

Ethan was born breathing on his own and peeing (typical boy) and placed into a plastic bag for warmth. He was taken by the NICU team to his own bed and put on CPAP. Before taking him into the NICU to get settled they brought him to me so I could see and "hold" him. I could hardly tell what he looked like with his CPAP and hat on, but his tiny hand reach up from the bag and he placed it on my mouth as if to say "Hi Mom, I'm here now". I gave his hand a kiss and he was off to the NICU.

My surgery was completed and after my time in recovery (only about 1 hour) they rolled my bed into the very crowded NICU so I could see him before heading back to my room in Maternity. Thus begins our NICU journey...

Week 20

Are you comfy? Sitting? Have a cup of coffee maybe? If not, do that. This might take a while....

What is it with Sundays!? This is the day of the week that we begin another week of pregnancy and for the past few Sundays it's also been a total shit show. Start of week 17  - abdominal pain. Start of week 19 - big blood clot and a hospital visit. Now start of week 20 - more bleeding and another hospital visit.

Week 20 marks the half way point in pregnancy, well the expected half way mark of course. It is generally an exciting time for us momma's because it gives you a real time line. It's the same for me except that it was certainly overshadowed by yet another unexpected hospital visit.

I've actually gotten so accustomed to this bleeding business that I wasn't even going to go to the hospital but my midwife team recommended that we meet at maternity to talk with the OBGYN on call.

Business as usual, blood work and check on baby. Fetal heart rate was good, baby boy was active and seemed happy enough and not in distress. My blood work indicated low hemoglobin (probably not surprising given that I've been bleeding in some regard for 3 weeks) and now I'm taking an iron supplement which is giving me solid heartburn.

My meeting with the OB was great. He is young and modern and super friendly and warm. Dr. Ng, out of Langley if you ever have the pleasure of meeting him under better circumstances. We talked about a lot. What's going on with my placenta, my hemorrhage, his thoughts about the bleeding and about how fluid my birth plan needs to be at this point. I left our meeting with a lot of information but also feeling confident that I was in good hands. I am now in shared care between my midwives and the OB team.

I was dealing well with the continued bleeding (light flow) and managing it best I could and then literally 2 days later I passed an even bigger clot! WTF body, just knock it off already. There were two this time, a smaller one at about 1 inch by 0.5 inch and a second large one at about 4 inch by 1 inch. I had a good amount of bleeding in the hour and a bit after passing the clot. I found all my positivity quickly leaving myself and I was very emotional that evening. I have a strong ability to cope with stressful situations for a long time but at some point I will randomly break down and then restart the positivity shortly after. Perhaps we all need that breakdown moment to let out the emotions that have built up and to be able to forge ahead.

I had expected that all evening and overnight there would be continued bleeding and the morning would include a large amount after pooling all night. To my very pleasant surprise I had very little bleeding. Maybe just maybe, passing that big clot (which the OB saw on screen and blamed for obstructing the view of my placenta) was the last hurray of this bleeding ordeal. Maybe now, it will slow down and even stop!!! MAYBE?! See the positivity is already coming back.

Wednesday was pretty uneventful with the minimal bleeding but then Thursday hit and I had heavier bleeding all morning. Steve and I discussed and decided that we would see how Friday went and we could always touch base with the OB team just in case. Most of Friday was great. Not much for bleeding and had a low key morning. We took Ella to ballet and then dropped her off to my parents for her first ever sleep over! We had the Peach Arch Hospital Christmas party Friday night and while I couldn't really engage in much activity figured it would be nice to get out and get dressed up.

While getting ready for the evening I started to feel some cramping. Nothing major but defintely not typical Braxton Hicks, there was pain associated with it this time. I wondered if maybe it was from standing for a longer period or time. On the way to the party I had more cramping and by the time we were there it had subsided and gone away. Just before dinner I headed for the ladies room to check on my pad (such is my daily life now) and felt a big gush of fluid. I knew this one was bad.

Sure enough when I got to the ladies room and checked out the situation, I had soaked a whole pad in one gush. Not good. Typical standards are "if you soak 1 pad in 1 hour, go to ER". I got cleaned up, changed my pad and had dinner. I mentioned to Steve that we should probably head out soon. That I had heavy bleeding and was best to get checked out.  We ate dinner, stayed a few extra minutes for prizes (which I actually got one, woop woop!) and then said our goodbyes. It's an odd thing to be surrounded by doctors, nurses and other trained hospital staff and to be leaving to go to the hospital for care.

My midwife called to tell maternity that I was coming so they were ready for me when I got there. Let me just tell you, we were the best dressed people in the hospital! One of the nurses who I saw on Sunday for my consult was on shift and recognized me right away. It's nice to have a familiar face but I'd really prefer not to meet these people until April when baby comes!!! Into an exam room we went and I got to meet yet another member of the OB Team. She was also lovely and very helpful and caring. After doing an ultrasound she was concerned that I had possibly prematurely ruptured my membranes (water broke) because it looked as though there wasn't enough amniotic fluid around baby boy. She gave me the option of staying the night for monitoring just in case I began to cramp again or had more bleeding, or I was allowed to leave on a pass to sleep at home and come back in the morning.  Since Ella was with my parents, we chose to stay at home knowing that we could leave instantly if we needed to.

I came back in the morning and was booked in for an ultrasound to check on the fluid levels and hopefully get a read on my placenta. The morning was full of very serious discussions about the implications for baby if my amniotic fluid was too low. Not only are we talking about miscarriage but also about intentional termination. Stressful, extremely stressful. A few hours passed of waiting for my appointment and I finally get my scan. The tech was so lovely, very gentle and kind.

It took FOREVER (only about an 1hr) to get the report back. Then my OB, my midwife and another doctor all come in to talk to me. Fuck. It must be bad news if they are all here. Slowly they take a seat, making a circle of support around me. Oh God, oh God.... And the OB begins... well we got the report back and.... we have good news. OH THANK THE LORD! The radiologist feels that the amniotic fluid levels are in a normal range. Now, the ultrasound tech did comment to me that they looked low, but even if we are toward the low end of normal, its still normal! What a relief!

They also finally got an answer on my placenta. More good news! NO previa! It is currently 3cm away from my cervix and should continue to move up as we go forward. Now there is a good amount of pooled blood and clots sitting right over my cervix. So, I'm going to continue to bleed. I will probably pass clots. It's possible that once those clots pass we could be done with the bleeding. Fingers crossed.

Where do we go from here???

I will be going to the Jim Pattison Out Patient and Surgery Centre for a follow up ultrasound for some expertise scanning. They want to do a few extra checks and these are the best people for that job. I will also be having weekly follow ups with either the OB or the midwife for the next while, at least til Christmas.

Christmas is going to be particularly special this year because Christmas Eve marks the day when baby becomes truly viable and each day after we only increase the odds of a healthy baby.  A very Merry Christmas indeed.

Weeks 14-19

My true intention was to only do trimester updates this time. My assumption was that it was going to be business as usual and wouldn't be too much to write about. Well if you follow my Instagram you will already know that isn't the case.

Weeks 14 - 16 were uneventful. Full of mostly gym visits and running errands, working and generally feeling more like a human. My energy was great, I was really feelin' my bump and doing well with my workouts and my eating habits. Enter week 17.

I woke up in the middle of the night with very strong abdominal pain. It started in my upper right quadrant and radiated across my belly. This wasn't just a normal ligament pain (which I have waaaay more of this time), this was curl up in a ball, harness your yoga breathing and hope its over soon kind of pain. It lasted only a few moments and after rolling to my other side seemed to dissipate. Eventually I fell back asleep (not an easy feat after that) and in the morning began to Google the shit out of my symptom. I settled on it being a gall bladder issue. After Ella was born I was back in the ER with severe abdominal pain which they attributed to gall bladder stuff. Pretty common for pregnancy with all your systems slowing down. It seemed like a logical assumption.

The next day I began spotting. I hadn't had any since 5 weeks so it was certainly tied to the pain the night before. I'll never have a true answer but knowing now that I have a partial separation of my placenta membrane, this pain could have been that separation happening. After speaking with my midwife we decided that since I didn't have any pain or cramping (on going) and I wasn't spotting a lot that it was within a normal range for my stage and decided to watch it.

At my 18 week appointment we discussed all the spotting and the abdominal pain etc. We opted for a cervical exam and they indicated that I have a "friable cervix". Sounds nice right?! Basically it means my cervix is a temperamental bitch and likes to bleed. Again, not unusual for pregnancy but doesn't make it any less annoying.

Enter week 19... this one is a doozy and full of personal health details, consider yourself warned.

Up until this point I'd been struggling to feel the baby move. I felt Ella at 16 weeks so I was super disappointed when that didn't happen again. Also with all the spotting it left me wondering how baby was doing. Sunday morning I finally got some good jabs. Enough to even be visible on my belly. Steve and Ella both got to feel it too. It was such a relief. And the look on Ella's face was the sweetest. I was on cloud 9. Having a good boost of energy I decided to head to the gym.  I had literally just stepped on the treadmill and set my speed for walking when I felt something wrong. This wasn't normal spotting.

I sped over to the ladies room and ended up passing a sizable blood clot along with a decent amount of bright red blood. We're talking bouncy ball size here. Obviously, that workout never happened. I went home and at the advice of my midwife took it easy and watched for any more bleeding and clots. A couple hours later there was more bleeding. This time I wasn't prepared to sit around and wait. My parents came right away to watch Ella and Steve and I were off to the hospital.

Here's what totally sucks. At 19 weeks you have to go through the Emergency Room, at 20 weeks they will send you to maternity. What does that mean for me? Hours of waiting. We were brought in for bloodwork and then sent back to wait some more. Once we made it out of the waiting room and into the next stage I ended having two more episodes of bleeding. Finally we were taken to a private exam room and waited some more to see the doctor.

The ER Doctor was lovely. She was very warm and calm. We did a bedside ultrasound to check on baby and also check for internal bleeding. She did a speculum exam (let me just tell you how not fun that was. There was none of that "gentle pressure" business, it was all "let me get the best look possible". ) In her words, "this is more than just a friable cervix". SUPER! She soaked up a good amount of pooled blood and finished up her business. She concluded that I had a placenta abruption (part of the placenta has separated from the uterine wall and is bleeding). There is literally nothing we can do. She put me on modern day bed rest. No lifting, no sexy time, no exercise. General around the house activities are fine and walking is good. Not awesome news for someone who was super jazzed about having a fit pregnancy.

We were lucky enough to get our detailed ultrasound moved up and Tuesday we went into Medray Coquitlam (fantastic office and I highly recommend them). A typical 20 week scan is about 45mins. Mine took 1.5hrs. Turns out they were having trouble getting a clear read on my placenta. The edges were not clearly visible and therefore they could not confirm the location. What we do know is that it is on the front which is why it took longer to feel baby, we also know that it is low. At a minimum I have a low lying placenta, which really isn't of much concern being that it should have no trouble moving up later on. Worst case scenario I have a complete previa which means my cervix is totally covered. This is less likely to move and would result in a scheduled c-section.

The GOOD NEWS!!!! Our little nugget is healthy and unremarkable, never have I been so happy to have a just average child. Also, this mama gets to go shopping all over again because we are having a little BOY! Ella is really excited to be a big sister to a little brother and we spend a lot of time talking about all the things she can teach him to do.

Week 20 is just around the corner, half way here we come!

Baby Round 2 - First Trimester

Well here we are again. 3.5 years after Ella's birth and we are on the journey all over again. 3 years of me vehemently saying HELL NO to a second baby and then randomly one day I became obsessed with having another. After a week of it not going away I told hubby "so, you'll think I'm crazy but I want to have another baby". He's been hoping this would happen for a good long while so he was on board straight away.

It took us 4 months of trying before we successfully conceived. At the time, for a couple who accidentally got pregnant the first time, this seemed like forever and was getting frustrating but of course looking back now we are very blessed that it was so quick.

It's kind of amazing to me how each pregnancy can be so different but at the same time have a lot of similarities. Blogging was a great outlet for me when I was pregnant with Ella so I plan to do it again but clearly I'm a bit busier this time around. Working 5 days a week, carting Ella to and from pre-school and ballet, trying to fit in time with Hubby and time at the gym, the days just seem to disappear. My plan is to do trimester updates instead. So that brings us to the first trimester!

Our family found out MUCH sooner this time. We were about to leave for a weekend away visiting my father in law and family when I decided maybe I should take a test BEFORE we go on a weekend full of beers and ciders and wine. I was testing pretty early, I think 6 or 7 days before my expected period and couldn't believe that I got such a clear positive result. We hadn't been at they're house more than 10 minutes when I was offered wine and had to decline and me being a terrible liar I shared our exciting news, prefacing it that it was SUPER early.

We slowly told more family and friends as we saw them but held back on doing anything on social media until I figured out work.

My birth experience with Ella wasn't ideal or very positive so this time we have decided to use a midwife and have also hired a doula. If it's going to be my last baby I'm going to do everything I can to have fonder memories of our birth and early days. 

At 5 weeks, I started bleeding. I never experienced any spotting or bleeding with Ella so it freaked me right out. Because it only lasted a few days and wasn't a large amount or coupled with any pain or cramping it was decided it was in the normal range and not to worry.

Around 9 weeks we had our dating ultrasound and our due date was pushed up by 2 days (as I had expected, knowing that I had ovulated sooner than what would have been expected). The results from my dating ultrasound brought yet another new "complication". It was discovered that I had a cyst on my ovary as well as a subchorionic hemorrhage. Don't those just sound like awesome things to have!?!? Thankfully both are considered normal. 

My understanding is that the cyst on my ovary developed from where the egg was released and should have been reabsorbed by my body by my details ultrasound at 20 weeks. The subchorionic hemorrhage is basically a blood blister where the baby implanted. They vary in size and most often cause bleeding.

At 12 weeks our midwife was unable to find the heart rate for the baby. Stressful much?! She seemed very calm about it and said the baby was quite low and probably just tucked in nice and snug and moving too much to get a solid reading. We went in the next week and they got it within seconds.

Overall my first trimester was easier than with Ella but full of more worrisome moments. I wasn't as nauseous and my skin has been much better. I was the napping queen though. If Steve was home I always had an afternoon nap of at least an hour. I also experienced a lot of dizziness and light-headedness. I have naturally low blood pressure and in pregnancy it dips even more. I also had a ton of bloating but thankfully I found that a cup of peppermint tea made a HUGE difference. I'm talking I could have a cup at night, looking like I was 6 months preggo and wake up with no belly. It was amazing and talk about relief, the pressure was so uncomfortable so it was such a welcome surprise.

Onto the honeymoon stage!

Until We Meet Again Radio...

It was 2009, I was working for a big bank and hating my job more and more each day.... Finally I decided I was going to pursue the industry that had interested me since I was a child. Radio Broadcast. As a young child I used to sit in our shed and record radio shows on my Fisher Price recorder. Funny how what we do as children often bring the same joy as adults.

It was a bold move for me (a girl who prefers things predictable) to leave a steady and decent paying industry and job but something in me knew that if I didn't try a new route now, I would regret it later. So I got myself a credit line, I applied for school and off I went.

I attended Columbia Academy for 10 months, 5 nights a week. I would work during the day and then head to school for a few more hours. I sunk my teeth in and absorbed everything I could. I was determined to succeed in this highly competitive sector.

As school was wrapping up I began applying or jobs. My hope was to stay in Vancouver but I wasn't gaining any traction so I applied for a random job in "Western Canada"... Thankfully that ended up being Kamloops. I left everything behind (might have cried a lil in the process of moving) and dove right it. I worked, ALL THE TIME. I worked split shifts and weekends. Took any extra shift they would offer and even managed to get them to put me on TV with our sister station. The plan was always to move back home to Vancouver but I never expected to enjoy my time so much while I was there.

Just shy of 2 years later I was offered an incredible opportunity to move back to Vancouver and work full time at Virgin Radio. I took over a maternity leave contract thinking perhaps I could convince them to keep me after it expired. Unfortunately, just a few weeks after starting it was announced that we were being sold. My contract expired without renewal and I had to scramble to find new work. I sure as hell wasn't going back to banking...

It was back to the basics of networking. Send out demos to every program director I could reach out to in Vancouver. Some of those emails stuck and I was able to meet with a few people. One of those being my current boss. It couldn't have worked out any better. My contract expired and the very next day I started my new job. I was originally hired as fill in, which quickly changed to weekend afternoons.

I've transitioned a lot during my 3 years with JRFM. My first year I worked my butt off. I took any shift I could get and kept really busy, loving every minute. Then SURPRISE!!!! I got pregnant. I took a year off and came back with a whole new set of priorities.

The past year has been a rollercoaster ride. I struggled early on with my return to work. There were a lot of times I felt I no longer fit in. Moments when I wondered if what I was doing was worth it. Being away from home, driving 45 minutes each way. But when it came right down to it, every time I turned on that microphone I still loved it. And that right there is what makes today so tough.

Today I had to face my boss and tell him I am choosing to resign. I am choosing to leave the industry that I love, that brings me pure joy, that I am still determined to succeed in. The job that I take pride in and love to tell people I do. My job is fun, creative, exciting, fast paced and rare. And it is extremely emotional to leave it all behind. At least for now. 

Your life is a very long book with many many chapters. At this moment in time radio just isn't the right fit for me and my family. It's entirely possible I will never come back to radio and that I will open that mic for the very last time on April 17th and it crushes me to think that. And maybe it's that visceral reaction that will end up bringing me back. Tears stream down my face as I write this because it is one thing to leave a job you hate but a whole other to leave one you love, especially when it is full of people you love. Radio peeps are a different breed. We are all a little weird and we all fit together so well. And it's that connection that is so hard to part with.

I'm choosing to call this a hiatus, feeling that deep in my heart I will find my way back to radio later on.

In the meantime, I will be working on my mortgage broker business and I've started a new job as a SEO Project Manager working for a website design company close to home. My social media feeds related to Niki Saunders will be on pause as I settle back in to being just Natalie (and Mama).

So radio world... it's been a slice. I will miss you dearly but I know you are never too far away. It's not goodbye, its see you later.

An Open Letter to my Pre-Baby Friends Without Kids....

Dear friend without a baby,

Let me start by saying I love you, just as much as I did before my baby came into my world. But I am struggling. Struggling to reconnect with you. What we had was so great! So fun. So uncomplicated. And then I had a baby....

Now it's been a year. We haven't talked much. You know, I was busy changing diapers and trying to sleep train a tiny human and you were busy doing non mommy things. Doing spontaneous things like dancing with friends and spending summer nights on patios til whenever the hell you felt like it.

I wanted so badly for everything to be the same the day I returned. For us to go back to what we were before. But that can't happen. I'm not the same. I was sure I would be the same person as I was before but I am anything BUT. I am obsessed with a 2.5 foot tall lil creature who toddles around my home like a little drunk adult. Everything, and I mean EVERTHING, she does is amazing. The fact that she can stab her own food with her tiny fork is incredible. That she can tell me in her own language of grunts and squeals what she wants and doesn't is mind blowing.

You don't care. And that's ok. I mean it. You don't view my daughter through the same eyes as I do. You love her, and think she's adorable and that's enough for me, for me and her.

When we talk, I try, try really hard to avoid mentioning her every sentence. But it feels next to impossible. I try to ask questions about your life and what exciting things you do because I know if I don't I will only talk to you about the latest and greatest thing my daughter has done.

You probably think to yourself "she's changed, she's not who I remember". And you would be right.  It's really hard to remember to who I was before I was a Mom. And I worry. Sometimes, a lot, that I will lose myself in being a Mom. That I will sink so deep into raising a child that I will forget how to be a wife, be a friend, be a daughter.

When it comes right down to it. I am jealous of you. I envy your free spirit. I too want to drop everything and go do something fun. Anything fun. But I can't. Because at home there is a small baby who depends on me. Every waking moment, and sleeping moment to be honest. Even as I write, she is tossing and turning, finding it difficult to sleep on a hot summer night. Possibly needing just one more mommy snuggle to settle in and those are the moments I cherish and wouldn't trade for the world.

I now try to live through you. Experience your exciting nights through your posted photos and statuses. Because I no longer get a text from you. Perhaps you think I'm too busy. When really I am hoping that one night I will hear from you, randomly, just because you are thinking of me. Even though I'm not the same friend I was before.

I hope that you know, when I rush out instead of lingering to chat, it's because if I hurry home there is a chance I might make it back in time to give her a kiss and a snuggle before she goes to bed. I might get to see her laugh at everything I do because she is overtired and anything I do at that point is hilarious. And that giggle, it makes my heart soar. In a way I can't put into words...

I need you to know that I am scared. I am truly afraid that you see me differently and you don't like the new me. I struggle to find my place again. At work, in life, everywhere. I often feel left out. Alone even.

I ask you to be patient with me. Smile and nod, throw in a "wow! that's awesome' even when what I mention is mundane. Humour me and accept me. Love me for who I was and who I am now. Because I still love you and miss you.

Long Over Due Update

I'll be honest... this is a wine induced post.

With hubby-to-be out at a birthday party and baby in bed, I started reading through my old blogs and reminiscing about the past 10 months of my life.  It's truly amazing the amount of life you forget in just a few short months. Like for example just how much of a hellion was my precious angel in those first few weeks. I don't really remember, see, thats how mother nature tricks you into having more.

Speaking of having more, no no I'm not pregnant. Don't get all over excited. In the early days of our life with Ella people would often ask me if I wanted more children. My thoughts were something along the lines of ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY!!?!?!?! I mean really, I still had so much extra weight to lose, my baby refused to nap or sleep, breastfeeding was a gong show, she had an entirely white mouth from thrush and had baby reflux. A second baby was the last thing I wanted to think about.

Now, I can't wait to go through that craziness again. Well, in truth, I CAN wait. But it is something I look forward to in a huge way. I like to think that the next time around I will be better able to absorb and enjoy the small moments. This time I'll know what I'm doing, at least until I get a totally different baby who through his or her own curve balls at me. 

The last 10 months have been the most amazing of my life. Spending every day with our little girl has been rewarding, exhausting, boring (at times), thrilling, hilarious and so many more emotions. Watching this tiny human, in such a short time, go from a completely helpless little being to a determined and independent little girl is incredible. She spends her days crawling after Cooper (our cat), hugging her stuffed animals (and occasionally me too, which OMG is the best feeling ever!), walking from toy to toy to couch to toy, eating solids and feeding herself some snacks. She sleeps 13 hours at night and has 2 naps during the day. She now has 6 lil chompers and they are the funniest thing ever! So many gaps between her teeth and they are still kinda useless. She is 31 inches high and close to walking on her own.

As for me, I'm back to work in less than a month. I'm kind of freaking out about it. We will be relying on family and friends to look after Ella since I'm only working weekends. By nature, I NEED to plan every single detail of everything. Not really having a perfectly set plan for child care is making me a little crazy but I am trusting that it will all work out. As for weight loss, I'm back to my skinny self. My weight is right back where it used to be, my wedding dress is too big and my stretch marks are harder to notice. I am also embarking on a new journey. I've enrolled in school (for the 4th time, ugh) and am in the process of getting my mortgage broker license. I'm going back to my finance roots (I worked in accounting and banking for 5 years before radio) and choosing a job that I can do from home that doesn't involve selling tupperware. Oh and I totally found my first grey hair. Ugh.

Now, as I finish my glass of wine, I reflect on how thankful I am for so many things. For my super supportive friends, family and fiance. For my boss, who understands exactly why family comes first and works WITH me to find the right balance. For every reader who ever took a moment to read my writing. And of course, for the little girl who has brought an insurmountable amount of love into my life, who makes me want to be the best mommy possible, who makes me proud every day and shows me what pure joy is. 

GOOD Husbands Apparel Review

I was recently introduced to a trio of ladies who have started their own clothing line for babies and kids. Back in October, Katie, Tracy and Dayna started Good Husbands Apparel. In a world that is dominated by big box stores it is refreshing to find a LOCAL company who makes trendy and cute clothing for the kiddies.

Ella is the proud new owner of their town shirt which is super Vancouver focused, naming parts of the city (although I'm not sure about the "railtown" part).

Initial Thoughts:

So Soft! The second I touched this t-shirt I immediately noticed how soft the cotton is. Much nicer fabric than typical baby clothes. I loooove me some Carter's clothing but this is just so much cozier.

I also really like that they chose to print the wash instructions and label on the fabric itself. This seems to be pretty standard for baby clothes but its definitely a nicety.

The only downside I've noticed so far are the wash instructions. They indicate that the item should be washed in cold water and give the option of either a hang dry or a tumble dry on low. I just can't be bothered to dig this out of the mounds of baby laundry to hang dry it and it will more than likely always be washed in warm water. With the amount of drool and food that end up on her clothes, I just don't trust cold water to get it all out.

How does it fit?

Ella is 6 months, 17lbs and 29 inches long. She wears clothing in the 6-12 month range, 9 month being pretty ideal. This is a 6-12 month size shirt and it is too big at the moment. As you can see in her photo the neck is just a bit too wide. Although that wide neck makes it REALLY easy to slip over her big head.

The majority of her clothing is Carters so thats the only size comparison for me. She has a 9 month t-shirt that fits great, I would say if you are used to Carters sizes this Good Husbands Apparel shirt would be closer to a 12 month.


I washed it, and....

I was a little scared to run this through the wash for fear that it would shrink too much, pill a lot or just get ruined in general. I was pleasantly surprised when it came out of the wash. My washer is a piece of trash and IT decides on its own what temperature the water will be. We have very little control over that. Any given load could be washed in scalding or frigid or somewhere in between. I believe this particular load was closer to warm than hot and it held up great! It went straight into the dryer and when I checked this morning it looked exactly as it had before washing! Super impressed. Have to no fear mama's! Wash and dry to your hearts content. Now I'm sure that if you wash in cold and hang dry it will last much much longer but for how short a period they wear clothing I say don't burden yourself!

Final Verdict:

Buy it! This is a great quality piece of clothing. Really nice fabric, washes well and is local. That's the key for me. It's always nice when you can support a company from right in your backyard. 

Want your own!?

You can buy Good Husbands Apparel online here. They have 4 different designs, including a totally cute sloth t-shirt. Come December they are hoping to launch a pullover, toque and onesie. If you would rather see and touch the clothing for yourself, you can check out their designs in the trendy Lynn Steven Boutique in Vancouver.

Follow them on Instagram too! Every once in a while they give away free swag!

Week 1 of Insanity

Wow. I'm an idiot. Why! Why did I ever think this was a good idea. 

My first workout was "plyometric cardio circuit" and it sucks balls. I watched the DVD ahead of time so I knew what to expect and I actually said out loud "What!? That was the WARMUP!!??" 

Oh sweet Jesus this workout is going to give me a run for my money. This DVD consists of mostly jumping. You look like friggen Tigger. Only not nearly as cute. Much less cute actually. The scraggly hair pasted to your head with sweat, the bambi legs post workout, not hot. 

I'll be honest, I took a lot of breaks and I didn't even finish the DVD. At 4.5 months post partum there are still a few body issues. My pelvis is still painful when I isolate each leg separately. And my abs get sore very quickly. By the time we finished the endless sets of power squats, ski jumps, mountain climbers etc etc etc my body was hurting. I stopped the DVD with 13 minutes left. I felt guilty but my first priority is to help my body get stronger not make existing issues worse.

WORKOUT #2

I was defintely dreading this. Now that I knew what I was really in for, I was sooooo not excited to continue. The second workout was Cardio Power and Resistance. I would say its one of the easiest (and my easiest I mean still really friggen hard" dics in the set. There is a bit less jumping, not by much. I just found it was an easier workout for me. I can't do push ups right now, not because my arms aren't strong enough because lord knows toting around a 15lb baby has made my arms stronger than ever, but because my abs can't support me yet. 

After completing the WHOLE workout (with some breaks) I was feeling much more positive that I could do this. 

WORKOUT #3

Recovery.... they give you a glimmer of hope thinking today will be an easy workout... ummm no. There is very little jumping (thank god for that!) but there is a lot of strength work. Lots of squats into squat holds into squat pulses all one after another with no breaks. I was shocked that I still broke a sweat but I guess you are still workin hard, just in a different less Tigger-ish way. 

WORKOUT #4

Pure Cardio aka Fuck My Life.... Oh my fuck. Thats all I can say to describe this... Cardio, more cardio, more cardio oh and no water breaks! Really!?!?! UGGGGH! 

I managed to get through it, but it was one hell of a challenge. 

WORKOUT #5

Yet to happen.

Here's the issue with the program and my life. I have a lovely hubby to be that busts his butt and works 7 of 8 days. 4 of those days are shift work 12-13hr days. Since we live in a condo, our home is not exactly perfect for a jumping workout. If we were ground level I would do these after Ella goes to bed but that isn't the case. I try to fit them in when Steve is home to watch her for 45 minutes. And then real life gets in the way like it always does. These are too instense for me to do first thing in the morning ( I get lightheaded ). 9pm at night doesnt exactly scream "Time to jump for 45 minutes and do it with a smile on your face". Honestly once Ella is in bed and Steve gets home I just want to spend time with him. 

So, moving forward, I will do the workouts when I can. It will not be daily. I am still going to mix in runs (which I had stopped because what freak of nature can learn to run 5k AND do a 45 jumping routine in the same day) Instead of this being 60 days it will probably get stretched out to 4 months and thats ok. The important thing is that I am trying something new and pushing my own personal boundaries.

Insanity Workout DVD's AKA Certain Death Disguised as Fitness

I've officially lost my mind... 

My wedding photographer mentioned to me that she had the Insanity DVD's and I for some unknown reason took her up on her offer to borrow them. What. Have. I. Done. 

The whole process starts with a fit test. Also known as "let me show you how unfit you actually are".

It consists of 8 exercises. You do each for 1 minute and record how many you can do. Every 2 weeks you do it again and your supposed to see improvement. 

The exercises (and my results) are:
Switch kicks 68

Power Jacks 34

Power Knees 80

Power jumps 0 (way too loud for an apartment exercise)
Globe Jumps 10

Suicide jumps aka burpees aka worst exercise ever in the history of the world 5
Push up jacks 12

Low Plank Obliques 34

I'll be honest... the fit test is hard. Makes me scared to do the actual workouts. The bright side is that the workouts are "short" around 35 minutes. Do able. Kinda. Maybe. I hope. 

Physically my starting point is this... 

129.4 lbs. 

Bust: 32 

Waist (at belly button): 31 

Hips/Butt: 36 

Thigh: 21

Fit tests are to be done every 2 weeks until the end of the program (2 months). I'll do an entry after every fit test with new measurements and general thoughts. 

Wish me luck...

Our Sleep Story

Oh sleep, truly the most elusive thing when you have a baby. When these cute little creatures first enter our lives they have night time parties and crash all day long. Thanks a lot nature, I just had a 32 hour labour, major surgery, a child who doesn't feed properly and now you design them to have nights and days mixed up. WTF did I ever do to you!?

Thankfully, by some miracle these tiny humans sort out their shit and start sleeping more at night and having daytime parties. I had a friend recommend early on "The Baby Whisperer" sleep book. I had every intention of following this method of early sleep training but when our feeding problems persisted it was next to impossible and I quickly abandoned structured feeding for on demand feedings. Then Boo Bear (aka tiny human, aka Ella Bean, aka Wiggles) was diagnosed with acid reflux and we had a very fussy baby on our hands.

Now, 3 months into this adventure this Momma wants her evenings and nights back.

Here's how it was BEFORE we started sleep training. Ella would wake up around 6am (give or take). Sometimes she would eat a little then sleep some more, sometimes not. Then around 9am she would get fussy and I would feed her another bottle until she fell asleep. She would nap for a short time (45 -1hr if I was lucky). Then she would wake up crying, eat some more, spend some time being happy and then be fussy and feed to sleep again. This cycle goes all day until late afternoon when the fussiness really ramped up. To the point where she couldn't even calm down enough to eat. We had a seriously over tired baby on our hands. She usually wouldn't be down for the night until 10pm ish. Not exactly convenient for us. She needed to be tended to on a regular basis, especially at night time. And yet again, she needed to be fed to fall asleep.

Now I didn't actually mind the eating to fall asleep thing because it was easy. She was quiet and content, but we were clearly fostering a habit. Not to mention the middle of the night bullshit that was still going on. As Dr. Ferber states in his book "Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems" a 3 month old baby no longer has a nutritional need for a middle of the night feeding. They can go 10 hours without eating at night and be just fine. Well Miss Ella had created a habit of waking between 1:30 and 2:30 (depending when she fell asleep) and wanted to eat to fall back asleep (starting to sense the issue?). Now, it's only 1 time at night but when you go to sleep at 11pm then wake up a couple hours later, feed her, put her down, and go back to sleep only to wake up another few hours later, it gets tiring.

How does one fix this problem....

There are a lot of different methods out there and everyone has an opinion on them. I bought 4 sleep books used from a swap group and had read an article that sort of cleared up the Cry It Out (CIO) method. Initially, I didn't think I would be able to listen to Ella cry without being there to comfort her, but in the past few weeks her cries have become less jarring. I decided (and Steve supported) to use Dr. Ferber's method. The CIO method.

Now before you go all "how can you let her cry" or "poor baby, she must feel abandoned" or "your going to cause brain damage" blah blah blah... Let me explain the true process, it's really not so bad.

It's naptime (or bedtime) and you put baby down awake (but ready for sleep). I give her a rub on the tummy and a kiss on the forehead and leave the room. Because this isn't her usual way to go to sleep she is naturally not impressed with me. She cries. After 5 minutes I go back in, rub her tummy, tell her everything is ok and that I'm just outside her room. I leave the room again, even if she is still crying. This time I wait 10 minutes. If she is still crying I repeat the process. Enter, rub tummy, tell her its ok, leave. Now, I wait 15 minutes.  Repeat this every 15 minutes until she falls asleep. If it's naptime, only leave her for an hour and then abandon the process and try again for her next nap.

Soooo I bet your wondering how this has all worked out for me... Well that first night sucked big time! She was right pissed off with us. She fell asleep eating at 8pm (I hadn't decided to start that night until after putting her down and her waking up instantly, again, like she always does). That's when it began. She took an hour or so to finally go down. Slept til midnight-ish. Was up for another 45 - 1 hour. Steve and I alternated going in. Then she had another wake up but went down much faster. Then she decided to wake up 40 mins earlier than what we wanted her wake time to be. We chose to wait til that wake up time to get her up for the day (we did go in to soothe though).

Now for the daytime routine... When she wakes up from a nap we feed her a full bottle and then we have waketime. Playing, reading books, eating her monkey etc. Then when she shows signs of tiredness we put her down for sleep. As per the book "Baby Wise" this process is about 3 hours long. And Ella was right on schedule. We repeated this all day and by her 3rd nap she was falling asleep with less than 5 minutes of crying. 


We are only 24 hours into this process but she has already made huge strides! The one thing that still needs some work is her nap length. "Baby Wise" explains that a baby who wakes up crying after a nap hasn't had enough sleep. They should wake up content and cooing. We are not there yet. She still wakes up after every nap (which is usually only 45 minutes to an hour) crying loudly. The suggestion is that you allow her to cry for 10 minutes and she should settle back down and sleep a while longer. I'll be adding that to the mix tomorrow.

So far tonight she napped at 5:30, woke up at 6:30 crying, she ate, couldnt stay awake so I put her back down. After a little fussing she went back to sleep and now at 9:30 she is still asleep. I'm curious to see how overnight goes. I'll be sure to update this in a week and let you know how much has changed.

Here's to sleeping through the night!

Night 2: she slept from 8pm to 6:30am. Woke up happy. 

Day 2: went down for her naps well. Cries no more than 10mins. Then at 5 we put her down and had to abandon nap time after an hour of crying. She had another bottle (half) then she stayed up til 730 when she looked tired. 30mins in she was still crying. We fed her and she fell asleep. Not ideal but at some point we needed to know she ate enough. 

Night 3: she woke up at midnight per usual but this time took 30 mins to settle down. One belly rub and kiss from me which seemed to make it worse. A brief waking at 2 then up and happy at 630.

**UPDATE**

1 MONTH LATER:

Our lil babe sleeps through the night, every single night (except last night which I'm pretty sure is linked to "4 month sleep regression). She now naps well during the day and wakes up from her naps happy and smiling. Very rarely will she wake up crying. We finally have a well rested and happy baby! She giggles and smiles and plays contently by herself or with us. It is a huge change!

Letting her cry for short periods of time has actually helped us distinguish her cries more accurately. She doesn't really even cry most of the time, its more  like an annoyed fuss. The one downside is that I feel quite tied to her schedule. She can usually stay up for 1.5 - 2 hours after waking up from a nap. Much longer than that and she gets grumpy and has a hard time falling asleep (she's OVERtired). If she falls asleep in the car I can't move her from the car seat because she will wake up, she also doesnt sleep long enough in the car seat.

In general though, sleep training was the best thing we ever did for our family. On top of sleep training, sticking to a schedule of SLEEP, EAT, PLAY, SLEEP is vital!

3 Months Down, A Lifetime To Go

In one weeks time our tiny human will be 3 months and quite frankly I can't believe we survived it! On several occasions we were told "just get through the first couple months". How true is that!!!

Baby's First 3 Months:

Since being blunt is my specialty I'm going to tell you like it is. It bites! The first couple of weeks are nothing short of difficult. You have a baby who is convinced night time is party time and day time is made for sleeping (and if they are anything like my child, naps are no longer than 30 minutes). Your house is a mess, every meal you eat is cold and good luck sneaking in a shower or brushing your teeth.

Everyone tells you "it's a love like you've never known" WRONG! Now it is but not at first. Don't get me wrong, I've loved my baby from the start but when she cries and cries and cries, well, you could imagine it is tough to feel warm and fuzzy. It's much more of a "what the hell child! Why won't you stop crying". Frustrating and exhausting. There were definitely occasions when I wondered what I had gotten myself into and how in the world I was supposed to continue. And then things started to get better.

All of a sudden she started sleeping at night for longer stretches, staying mostly asleep during her middle of the night feeds and the crying went away almost completely.She now has 3 naps a day at almost the exact same time everyday. We are trying to sleep train her so that she will self soothe and fall asleep on her own. Its not a fun process but eventually it will help.

What's even more interesting is about 2 weeks ago I stopped pumping and decided to feed her all formula (with an occasional breastmilk bottle from my frozen stash). It was a really hard decision to stop but my stress level was sky high because I was having supply and pump issues. Since switching she has been happier for sure. Funny what a full belly will do. My guess is that consistent calories are helping her, when I was pumping the amount of fatty milk would vary and the less there is the less filling it is. The only thing it hasn't helped with is night time sleeping. She still doesn't sleep through the night which I was hoping the formula would help with but 4 hour sleep stretches are manageable at least.

The other awesome change is that she really only poops once a day! Hallelujah! In the early days I was shocked at how much poop could come from such a tiny baby and gradually it starts to slow down, thank god for that.  

Mom's First 3 Months:

In 2 words... NOT SEXY. Just yesterday I woke up, said good morning to Steve and then went to shower before I headed out on a road trip for the day. As soon as I looked in the mirror I was shocked that Steve still welcomed me with a warm smile. I must have rubbed my eyes during the night because under my eyes were completely black. I roll out of bed in a whole new level of disarray these days. My hair is a disaster and the word "groggy" doesn't quite cover my lack of energy.

I'm just now getting to the point where I am feeling better about my physical progress. My stomach was always a point of pride for me so it's a real challenge to get past the fact that its a little more jiggly and puffier than I would like. I'm looking forward to the day when I can snuggle up to Steve and not think about how my stomach feels to him.

The baby feeders are deflated now too. Since I've stopped pumping my milk has dried up and left the ladies looking like ski slopes. Good thing we have push up bras!!

The other major change, and thank goodness I was warned about this, is hair loss. Remember that luscious thick hair you had during pregnancy? Well it stays with you until you stop breastfeeding. And then you could swear you are balding. I've lost so much hair I'm surprised there is any left on my head! And it is shocking how fast it happens. I stopped pumping and then quite literally a few days later I'm showering and chunks of hair are coming out. Do yourself a favour and don't let that shit go down the drain. No one wants to clean out wads of hair from the drain, we clean up enough yucky stuff already.
 
Getting Through It All 

Just keep telling yourself it will get better, because it actually does! And take it slow, one day at a time, one week at a time, before you know it months have passed and you actually know what you are doing and what your baby needs even though she doesn't do any better of a job telling you.

My How She's Changed

My little bobble head baby is now holding her head all on her own. She still needs a bit of support on her back because she likes to lean back and then her little abs cant pull her back up. Any minute now she is going to roll over on her own. I actually had a dream last night that she did it so I'm convinced its happening today. She is a chatter box full of little coos, squeals and grunts. Next step, GIGGLES!!!!

Post Baby Weight Loss

I wouldn't hesitate to say that losing baby weight is among the top goals of moms. As I promised many weeks ago, I've been tracking my own weight loss and will indeed share with you the physical changes, even though it makes me extremely nervous and self conscious. After all, here I am, the stereotypical skinny girl who now has a budda belly. Talk about being out of my comfort zone.

During my pregnancy I went from 125lbs to 168lbs. Ouch! So much for trying to control my weight gain. Damn those sour keys. So I put on 43lbs in total but still figured I could drop a lot of it and very quickly. And then labour happened and I ended up with an unexpected c-section. That certainly threw a wrench in my plans.

As per doctors orders I was unable to workout for 6 weeks. No lifting anything heavier than my baby and no activity except for walking. I'm far too much of a busy body so against my doctors orders I started lifting the stroller and car seat between 3 and 4 weeks. I told myself that I had more than enough arm strength to do this without over engaging my core. Thankfully I managed not to screw anything up with my recovery.

For the first 5 weeks, aside from lifting the stroller, all I did was walk. Day by day I got faster and stronger and thinner (kinda). Once the 5 week mark hit my busy body gene got the best of me. I couldn't stay out of the gym any longer. I was very careful, only lifting 7.5lb weights and walking on a treadmill. I tried many different exercises only to find out my core was still far too weak to do them, so I didn't.

What surprised me the most was how quickly I regained strength and stability. By week 6, I was able to do all my normal exercises, albeit at lower weights. Now at week 9 I am about 90% back to usual. I can't do any jumping exercises and traditional ab work is off limits. My abs separated during pregnancy (no shocker there considering I carried soooo far forward) which means I need to rehab them to get them to come back together without me doing further damage.

As for weight loss numbers, by 4 weeks postpartum I had dropped 29lbs with very little effort. I was pumping 8 times a day (usually every 2 - 3 hours) and eating A LOT! I started taking fenugreek and blessed thistle for milk production and the blessed thistle made me soooo hungry! Now at 9 weeks postpartum I have lost 36 lbs. There are only 7 measly pounds left.

In all honestly I would actually be totally fine if I stayed at this weight (132lbs). It's a totally healthy and normal weight for my height but it's my damn belly that I can't wait to get rid of. Prepregnancy, my waist measured 27 inches. At the end of my pregnancy it ballooned to 43 inches. Now I sit at 33 inches and its making me crazy! I am desperate to have my flat tummy back. Yes yes I know, I'm only 9 weeks out, and I had a c-section blah blah blah-diddy-blah. It still makes me nutty.

I've been stuck in this awkward stage where my maternity shorts are far too big but my prepregnancy shorts/pants are too tight (can you say mega muffin top!?) or they don't do up at all. Yesterday I finally found a pair of shorts that will work for the in between time. I chose a high-waisted (can you say mom jeans?) jean short. Anything low rise cuts my tummy at exactly the WRONG spot. They are 2 sizes bigger than what I "normally" wear but man does it feel good to wear something that fits!

****UPDATE**** I'm now 5 months post partum and almost completely back to normal. My ab separation has gone down to about 1 finger width and I am stronger than I was before I was pregnant. I can lift heavier weights at the gym and my cardio is better too! I can jump again but push ups are still evading me. Its something about my core strength. It's ok, I don't really like push ups anyways lol. My weight is stuck at 129lbs and I'm totally good with it. There is a little bit of loose skin still and my belly button will never ever been an innie again but for the most part my body is back. Keep the faith, it will come if you work at it!

**** ANOTHER UPDATE ****

I'm now 10 months post partum and  almost totally back to my prepregnancy body. My measurements and weight are all what they used to be however physically there are still a few trouble spots. Remember my broken crotch? Thats still haunting me. I have a hard time isolating each leg without pain. My hip flexors have always been tight but seem to be extra tight still. My abs are still slightly separated but when I flex they touch again! YAY! After seeing a personal trainer I've learned I have an over developed trap and lat on opposite sides and that is all because of holding Ella on the same side all the time.  Overall, I"m feeling great in the gym, stronger that before and continuing to improve.

***** JANUARY 2016 UPDATE *****

I'm not 18 months post partum and can officially say all the trouble areas are free from pain. Finally!! The past year and a half has flown by and I wish I could have told myself to be patient and believed that I would get back to where I wanted to be if I just gave myself time. If you are on your journey back to a pre baby body, be patient. It'll come. Do it gradually and you will succeed! I've uploaded a current tummy image, aside from that wrinkly outie of a belly button that annoys me I am extremely pleased and proud of my results.

So here is the incredibly intimate, makes me anxious and want to throw up part... the belly visual. Below is a weekly (mostly) progression of my weight loss journey. Can't believe I'm doing this....

Here is my 19 month post partum photo... took a lot of time to get here but I am so very proud of myself for sticking with it!

Feeding Fiasco

From day 1 feeding my baby has been an uphill battle.

When I pictured my life with my new baby I envisioned myself as a breastfeeding machine. Holding my little one close, gazing into her eyes and bonding on an intimate level. My experience has been anything but that.

After having a c-section holding her was a huge challenge. I had an enormous amount of pressure built up in my stomach. Trapped gas and swelling for the most part. Holding her in a cradle position compressed my stomach and made it unbearable. Football hold helped some but still wasn't great.

I breastfed exclusively while in the hospital recovering. After being told we needed to feed every 2 hours (even if it meant waking her up) we still had an incredibly fussy baby. One that would kick and scream even after being fed for a longer than the recommended time. One night when she was inconsolable we asked the nurses for help. Of course the second the nurse arrived she settled right down. The nurses were kind enough to take care of her for a few hours so we could rest. Not long after she was in their care, our night nurse came in and woke me. "Your baby has lost 12.5% of her weight, we need to give her formula".

I nodded and as soon as the nurse left immediately started bawling. I was failing my baby. I was trying the best I could to feed her and help her thrive and it wasn't enough. Not even close! All my dreams of having an exclusively breastfed baby came crashing down within hours of her birth. That night she took 70ml of formula. For a 2 day old baby that is a huge amount of food in one go. Their tummies are around the size of a cherry.

That morning our nurse helped us forge a new game plan for feeding. I would breast feed for 20 minutes then pump after to top her up. We had formula on hand to make sure she got enough. Thankfully this plan worked exactly as we needed. She was gaining weight. We stayed an extra day in the hospital because we needed to ensure she had put enough weight back on. Thankfully she regained 4% of her weight in that time.

Getting discharged from the hospital and going home now posed its own set of challenges.

We rented a hospital grade pump from London Drugs instead of buying our own so we had time to make sure the feeding plan was going to continue to work for us. It didn't.


Night times were trying to say the least. She wanted to stay awake from 10pm til 2 or 3am. I would breast feed her for an hour and she would still be hungry. To say it was an exhausting process would be the understatement of the year. She would feed, still be hungry, not go to sleep and then feed again. She was attached to me for most of the night and when she wasnt, she was almost impossible to settle. All of it came down to one this. She was hungry. A hungry baby is a very unhappy baby. An unhappy baby makes for stressed out Mommies and Daddies.

I needed a better way. I needed to feed my baby and I needed to keep my sanity. I was not a good Mom with the level of frustration I was feeling. After an emotional discussion with Steve, we decided I would give up nursing and pump exclusively. This way we could monitor how much she was eating and make sure she was being fed enough. This wasn't an easy decision for me. I wanted so desperately to be the best mom possible and feed my baby the way I'm "supposed to". Guilt consumed me and that familiar feeling of failure came back.

Those feelings were quick to leave once we started pumping exclusively and realized how much happier our baby was. She was full, content and much easier to console. She was happy and so was I.

Pumping isn't without its struggles. I am a dairy cow every 2 hours with bottles attached to my boobs. I've struggled with supply and have had to supplement with formula. Every time I reach for a bottle of formula I cringe. Knowing it gives her an upset stomach and isn't "the very best" I can give her. But it means she is full. She won't go hungry and that's what matters. Sometimes I don't have enough milk for her, other times I have extra (until she decides to cluster feed and drink it all in 2 hours).

We are still working out the kinks of feeding. She seems to have a lot of tummy troubles. Gas gives her pain and makes her fussy. We try too hard to predict how much she needs to eat instead of letting her dictate when she is done. We are learning to roll with the punches and take it minute by minute. Babies are far from predictable and that's ok. I'm certainly not a perfect mother and she isn't the perfect baby but together we are doing our best and that's all you can ask for. All I hope is that one day I look back on this and realize I did just fine and made the best decisions I could.

Induction, Labour and Delivery

1 Day Before Induction

I am 41 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Excited, anxious and scared all wrapped up in one emotional package. Last night I was exhausted but at the same time felt the overwhelming urge to double check our hospital bag and ensure everything was easy to find and access in case we were leaving in the middle of the night.

So I turned up the crazy and ran around (when I say "ran" I actually mean slowing waddled) the house grabbing all the little things I still needed to pack. I made a snack bag for Steve (since I won't really be allowed to eat at the hospital, although I may sneak an apple sauce in). Then when I felt satisfied I snuggled into bed feeling a bit crampy on the front of my abdomen (near my belly button) and tried to relax.

3:26 am

I wake up with a contraction. I harness my yoga breathing techniques and a few moments later the contraction subsides. I'm a freaking physic! Of course there was a reason I HAD to pack a bag. Orrrrrr not. 

3:51am

I get a second (less painful) contraction and that's the end of that excitement. No more contractions, no more excitement.

This is the second time this has happened to me in the middle of the night and what a disappointment it is! You finally think labour is going to begin and instead its just some random contraction leading to a whole lot of nothing!

Preparing for Induction

Preparing yourself for labour striking at any moment is an entirely different thing than preparing for a scheduled induction. For the past 4 weeks (maternity leave) I've wondered when labour would start. The fact that it could be literally any moment, carried it's own set of anxiety but somehow it seems easier to me to just act in the moment and figure it out. Knowing I'm going into the hospital for them to start labour seems much more daunting. I know for sure that sometime between 8am and midnight I'll go into labour. It's happening, one way or another and that is kinda scary.

We chose to delay our induction by 2 days, giving labour an extra chance to start naturally. Since my pregnancy has been completely unremarkable and I am very healthy my doctor felt it was a very reasonable change of plans. I will say I was much more nervous for induction last week, now after delaying it and having a good discussion with 2 medical professionals in the maternity clinic about induction I feel much better about the whole process.

The scary part is wondering how I will respond to the induction. Will I react and have immediate contractions? Or will it be a slow annoying process of having to have the induction redone a couple of times.

Induction Day

Rise and shine! We woke up early and call the hospital to find out what time we will go in to be induced. 10:30am. Ok it's go time! Baby is officially going to be on his or her way! We load up the hospital bag and all of our goodies and head into the maternity ward at the hospital. We are put in a room and we wait for my doctor to come over to assess me. He comes and after my usual internal he says I have progressed enough for a sweep, which is completes and honestly wasn't so terrible. Just uncomfortable. After a discussion we decide that Cervidil is the best induction method for me. It is a wafer thin tab loaded with prostiglandin that they insert like a tampon. It can be left in for 24 hours and if you react to it it can be pulled out and the contractions should stop (let's emphasize SHOULD).

After an hour of observation of both me and baby we get sent home. Now what. Waiting, more waiting. It was a nice day so Steve and I go for a walk and sure enough that started contractions. By 5pm my contractions were regular and painful. By 11pm we were calling the hospital talking about coming in. They advised I could stay home longer if that's where I was comfortable. 30 minutes later my contractions had increased in frequency and pain to the point where I was no longer comfortable at home. The drive to the hospital was the fastest in history. I was contracting for 30 seconds every minute. 

Once in the hospital they began to monitor my contractions and the baby. 1 1/2 hours later they finally pulled out the Cervidil and waited to see how my contractions slowed. Except they didnt. They still came fast and furious. At this point, my "natural" labour plan went out the window and I opted for a shot of morphine. What a saviour! It took the edge off just enough so that we could go home and I could "sleep" for a few hours. I spent 1 1/2 hours in the tub that morning, falling asleep floating in the water then waking up to breathe through a contraction. 

Labour time!

As instructed, we called the hospital in the morning and went back in to be reassessed. I had progressed to 3cm dilated and had effaced some more as well, enough that my doctor decided to break my waters and admit me. Talk about an odd feeling. No pain, just a whole lot of fluid.We were moved to our labour and delivery room (where we would spend the next 5 days).

My timeline from here gets a little fuzzy but at some point the contractions came on hard. We tried the hot shower on my back and belly, although it felt nice, it didn't do much for pain relief. I'd had enough of that and wanted to get out. As soon as I had dried off the contractions ramped up to a whole new level. I could hardly stand or breathe through them. It got to the point where the contractions were 2 minutes long and close together. Too much to handle. I tried to suck on the gas, that did a whole lot of diddly squat. Then we tried the morphine again, absolutely zero pain relief. On to the next thing, an epidural. Ahhhh finally, some relief. The only trouble the the epidural was that it took more to one side than the other. And depending how I was laying down the pain relief would shift and leave some parts of my body. It wasn't perfect but it was so much better than before. 

Hours and hours pass by and I slowly progressed but then I started to run a low grade fever and although I was 8cm dilated my cervix was beginning to swell. Our sweet baby was essentially hitting it's head on my cervix and making it swell. Those 2 factors combined brought my doctor and the OB to advise a cesarean section would be best. NOT in the plan. But hell, this whole process wasn't planned. I went from no pain meds to trying every kind.  At this point I was so exhausted I just wanted our baby to be here and to be here safely. The prep began for my c-section. 

The great thing about c-sections at Langley Hospital is that they keep you, you partner and baby together at all costs. Even though I was strapped to a bed and being sewn back up I was still able to have our baby layed on my chest. It was a challenging surgery. Although you are numb from the tits down you can still feel whats going on in terms of pressure. The spinal tap (numbing) makes you shake uncontrollably and makes you nauseous (in my case, made me vomit). Steve watched mostly he entire surgery (being in the medical field he is far from sqeamish). My only wish was that he didnt have to have a mask on, I could only watch his eyes to see his reaction when he realized we now had a beautiful baby girl. Naturally I started bawling. He was able to cut the cord and the pediatrician on staff in the OR took some lovely photos of it all. 

By the end of it all, 32 hours of labour (from the start of my regular contractions) and a birth plan flipped completely upside down we finally had Wiggles in our arms. Our baby girl, Ella, perfect in every way, and just as wiggly as she was inside me.