An Open Letter to my Pre-Baby Friends Without Kids....

Dear friend without a baby,

Let me start by saying I love you, just as much as I did before my baby came into my world. But I am struggling. Struggling to reconnect with you. What we had was so great! So fun. So uncomplicated. And then I had a baby....

Now it's been a year. We haven't talked much. You know, I was busy changing diapers and trying to sleep train a tiny human and you were busy doing non mommy things. Doing spontaneous things like dancing with friends and spending summer nights on patios til whenever the hell you felt like it.

I wanted so badly for everything to be the same the day I returned. For us to go back to what we were before. But that can't happen. I'm not the same. I was sure I would be the same person as I was before but I am anything BUT. I am obsessed with a 2.5 foot tall lil creature who toddles around my home like a little drunk adult. Everything, and I mean EVERTHING, she does is amazing. The fact that she can stab her own food with her tiny fork is incredible. That she can tell me in her own language of grunts and squeals what she wants and doesn't is mind blowing.

You don't care. And that's ok. I mean it. You don't view my daughter through the same eyes as I do. You love her, and think she's adorable and that's enough for me, for me and her.

When we talk, I try, try really hard to avoid mentioning her every sentence. But it feels next to impossible. I try to ask questions about your life and what exciting things you do because I know if I don't I will only talk to you about the latest and greatest thing my daughter has done.

You probably think to yourself "she's changed, she's not who I remember". And you would be right.  It's really hard to remember to who I was before I was a Mom. And I worry. Sometimes, a lot, that I will lose myself in being a Mom. That I will sink so deep into raising a child that I will forget how to be a wife, be a friend, be a daughter.

When it comes right down to it. I am jealous of you. I envy your free spirit. I too want to drop everything and go do something fun. Anything fun. But I can't. Because at home there is a small baby who depends on me. Every waking moment, and sleeping moment to be honest. Even as I write, she is tossing and turning, finding it difficult to sleep on a hot summer night. Possibly needing just one more mommy snuggle to settle in and those are the moments I cherish and wouldn't trade for the world.

I now try to live through you. Experience your exciting nights through your posted photos and statuses. Because I no longer get a text from you. Perhaps you think I'm too busy. When really I am hoping that one night I will hear from you, randomly, just because you are thinking of me. Even though I'm not the same friend I was before.

I hope that you know, when I rush out instead of lingering to chat, it's because if I hurry home there is a chance I might make it back in time to give her a kiss and a snuggle before she goes to bed. I might get to see her laugh at everything I do because she is overtired and anything I do at that point is hilarious. And that giggle, it makes my heart soar. In a way I can't put into words...

I need you to know that I am scared. I am truly afraid that you see me differently and you don't like the new me. I struggle to find my place again. At work, in life, everywhere. I often feel left out. Alone even.

I ask you to be patient with me. Smile and nod, throw in a "wow! that's awesome' even when what I mention is mundane. Humour me and accept me. Love me for who I was and who I am now. Because I still love you and miss you.

Long Over Due Update

I'll be honest... this is a wine induced post.

With hubby-to-be out at a birthday party and baby in bed, I started reading through my old blogs and reminiscing about the past 10 months of my life.  It's truly amazing the amount of life you forget in just a few short months. Like for example just how much of a hellion was my precious angel in those first few weeks. I don't really remember, see, thats how mother nature tricks you into having more.

Speaking of having more, no no I'm not pregnant. Don't get all over excited. In the early days of our life with Ella people would often ask me if I wanted more children. My thoughts were something along the lines of ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY!!?!?!?! I mean really, I still had so much extra weight to lose, my baby refused to nap or sleep, breastfeeding was a gong show, she had an entirely white mouth from thrush and had baby reflux. A second baby was the last thing I wanted to think about.

Now, I can't wait to go through that craziness again. Well, in truth, I CAN wait. But it is something I look forward to in a huge way. I like to think that the next time around I will be better able to absorb and enjoy the small moments. This time I'll know what I'm doing, at least until I get a totally different baby who through his or her own curve balls at me. 

The last 10 months have been the most amazing of my life. Spending every day with our little girl has been rewarding, exhausting, boring (at times), thrilling, hilarious and so many more emotions. Watching this tiny human, in such a short time, go from a completely helpless little being to a determined and independent little girl is incredible. She spends her days crawling after Cooper (our cat), hugging her stuffed animals (and occasionally me too, which OMG is the best feeling ever!), walking from toy to toy to couch to toy, eating solids and feeding herself some snacks. She sleeps 13 hours at night and has 2 naps during the day. She now has 6 lil chompers and they are the funniest thing ever! So many gaps between her teeth and they are still kinda useless. She is 31 inches high and close to walking on her own.

As for me, I'm back to work in less than a month. I'm kind of freaking out about it. We will be relying on family and friends to look after Ella since I'm only working weekends. By nature, I NEED to plan every single detail of everything. Not really having a perfectly set plan for child care is making me a little crazy but I am trusting that it will all work out. As for weight loss, I'm back to my skinny self. My weight is right back where it used to be, my wedding dress is too big and my stretch marks are harder to notice. I am also embarking on a new journey. I've enrolled in school (for the 4th time, ugh) and am in the process of getting my mortgage broker license. I'm going back to my finance roots (I worked in accounting and banking for 5 years before radio) and choosing a job that I can do from home that doesn't involve selling tupperware. Oh and I totally found my first grey hair. Ugh.

Now, as I finish my glass of wine, I reflect on how thankful I am for so many things. For my super supportive friends, family and fiance. For my boss, who understands exactly why family comes first and works WITH me to find the right balance. For every reader who ever took a moment to read my writing. And of course, for the little girl who has brought an insurmountable amount of love into my life, who makes me want to be the best mommy possible, who makes me proud every day and shows me what pure joy is.